ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?