Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Actually cracking up @ this
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?