Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
You Might Also Like
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
This squirrel eats better than I do
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers