“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Just this preview of the story is enough
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Monday Lisa
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific