I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.