Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.