What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
You Might Also Like
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
one of
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.