me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
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4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
#parenting
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The Struggle
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.