Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
You Might Also Like
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*