I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?