My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
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waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
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3. I was just joking.
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1. She looks angry, abort!
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
this isn’t threatening at all
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ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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