*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
i want to work in this restaurant
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
*puts words between two asterisks*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.