me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth