When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don鈥檛.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
*puts cutlery down*
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn鈥檛 even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it鈥檚 ok i won鈥檛 tell anyone.
Dating profile at 26: I鈥檓 cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let鈥檚 get married.
46:
I like what I like. I鈥檓 not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?