Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: