Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
OH. COME. ON.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!