Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers weâll invent another one.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like itâs been breathed on a lot by a dog
Iâm still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurantâs bathroomâŚ
I hope everything is ok.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices youâve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My circle of trust is a meatball
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-oâs
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
Youâre welcome
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having đ
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldnât have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, âew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna pukeâ.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldnât walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didnât lock the locks.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family