If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
whenever i wake up before my alarm
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.