“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for