Very problematic
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Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty