scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
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Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Lmfaoooooo
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.