[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean