excuse me
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Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Yup
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.