GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.