Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*