[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.