How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
You Might Also Like
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Quadruple digit IQ
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.