Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The Compass
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS