If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*limbos away from your hug*
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.