When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Lmao
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?