I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.