I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist