A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.