There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
*offers Batman cough drops*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
mariah carrie
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say