if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
The Book. The Movie.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.