If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is