“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.