put ‘er there pardner!
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Raisins are grape jerky.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business