Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.