the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
You Might Also Like
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Banana is the quietest snack
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*