Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.