I’d … I’d rather not.
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My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Good morning, Twitter x
*bites zombie*
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”