Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job