Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.