“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!