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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.