[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.