It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I can also cook 😂
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Name this drama.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning