“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
me: my friends:
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”