how it started vs how it ended
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The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
R.I.P.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
when dads have a rap battle
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands